From "I Do" to "Let’s Do It!": Creating an Equal Partnership Through Wedding Planning

Planning a wedding is exciting, but it can also be a source of stress and conflict for couples. The wedding industry is infused with a wide range of traditions, but did you know that those traditions and cultural norms can set you and your partner up for a marriage based on inequality?

The bride-centric focus of the wedding industry may seem harmless, but this centering of the bride means that many, many brides take on more than their share of the work to plan an event that is meant to celebrate both of you. The process of taking on that work has lasting consequences. It means that the bride becomes the expert in managing family dynamics, fostering friendships, and setting the tone for how you show up in the world as a couple.

Adhering to Relationship “Norms” Can Breed Resentment

As you move from wedding planning to marriage to having children (if that’s your path,) the effects of those early days of wedding planning translate into a wife who carries more than her share of the mental load of your lives together. This, my friends, is a recipe for resentment. As a relationship coach who specializes in helping couples build equitable partnerships, I have seen it happen far too often. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

The wedding planning process offers a unique opportunity to lay the foundation for a strong, equal partnership by approaching it with care and intentionality. This doesn’t mean you have to throw away traditions. It means that you need to carefully examine them to make sure they truly represent you and the marriage you intend to build. By navigating this journey together, couples can foster communication, shared decision-making, and a deeper bond that will carry them through their marriage. Here are some strategies you can use to create an equal partnership through wedding planning.

Embrace Teamwork from the Start

One of the most significant aspects of building an equal partnership during wedding planning is to embrace the concept of teamwork. From the moment you get engaged, it’s crucial to approach the planning process as a team effort. Sit down together and discuss your vision for the wedding — and I’m not just talking about the flowers and color palate. What are your priorities? What are your non-negotiables? By having these conversations early on, you set the stage for a collaborative planning process.

Key Steps to Embrace Teamwork:

Set Common Goals: Define what you both want out of your wedding and why you want it. Whether it’s an intimate ceremony or a grand celebration, having common goals will help you stay aligned throughout the planning process.
Divide Responsibilities: Identify tasks that need to be done and divide them based on your strengths and interests so that both partners are actively involved and that no one feels overwhelmed. If one partner expresses less interest in the overall event, explore why that is. Is it a gendered belief that one of you should care and the other shouldn’t? Where does this belief come from?
Regular Check-ins: Schedule regular meetings to discuss wedding progress only. Use the time to address any concerns and make decisions together. This keeps the lines of communication open, ensures that both partners are on the same page, and helps to keep wedding planning from dominating every minute of your lives.

Communicate Openly and Honestly

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful partnership. During wedding planning, it’s essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. This means expressing your feelings, concerns, and preferences, as well as listening to your partner’s perspective.

Tips for Effective Communication:

Active Listening: When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Listen without interrupting and try to understand their point of view. Reflect back on what they’ve said to you to make sure you understand correctly.
Be Respectful: Even if you disagree, approach conversations with respect and empathy. Avoid dismissing your partner’s feelings or ideas. Be curious about where they’re coming from.
Stay Positive: Focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems. A positive attitude can help you navigate challenges more effectively. Weddings are important, but they’re not more important than the strength of your relationship.

Make Decisions Together

Shared decision-making is a fundamental aspect of an equal partnership. Throughout the wedding planning process, make a conscious effort to make decisions together. This not only ensures that both partners have a say in the planning but also fosters a sense of mutual respect and collaboration.

Strategies for Shared Decision-Making:

Joint Budgeting: Work together to create a wedding budget that reflects both of your financial realities and priorities. Discuss what aspects of the wedding are most important to each of you and allocate funds accordingly. Again, take a long-term perspective here, factoring in financial goals that extend beyond the wedding day.
Vendor Selection: Share vendor research. One thing that often happens is the bride does all of the research and scheduling, and the groom just shows up to make a decision and thinks their contributions are equal. Make sure the invisible work is seen and valued. Hire a planner to help you if that’s in your budget.
Compromise: Be willing to compromise when necessary. If you have different preferences, work to find a middle ground that satisfies both of you.

Support Each Other

Wedding planning can be stressful, and it’s essential to support each other throughout the process. This means being there for your partner during stressful moments, celebrating successes together, and providing support and encouragement when needed.

Ways to Support Each Other:

Be Patient: Understand that wedding planning can be overwhelming, and your partner may need time to process decisions or tasks.
Offer Help: If your partner is feeling stressed or overwhelmed, offer to help with their tasks or take on additional responsibilities. Set a time to check back in so that overall planning efforts stay balanced.
Celebrate Milestones: Take time to celebrate the small victories along the way. Whether it’s booking a venue or finalizing the guest list, acknowledging these achievements can help you move through the planning process with more joy.

Maintain a Balanced Perspective

While your wedding day is undoubtedly important, it’s essential to maintain a balanced perspective. Remember that the wedding is just one day, but your marriage is for a lifetime. By keeping this in mind, you can prioritize your relationship and focus on building a strong foundation for your future together.

Tips for Maintaining a Balanced Perspective:

Keep the Big Picture in Mind: Remind yourselves why you’re getting married in the first place. Focus on the love and commitment you share rather than getting caught up in the details.
Take Breaks: Don’t let wedding planning consume your lives. Take breaks to enjoy each other’s company and engage in activities you both love.
Seek Help: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to seek help from friends, family, a wedding planner, or a relationship coach. Sometimes, an outside perspective can provide valuable insights and reduce stress.

Celebrate Your Achievements

As you navigate the wedding planning process together, take time to celebrate your achievements as a team. Every decision you make and every challenge you overcome is a testament to your ability to work together and build a strong partnership.

Ways to Celebrate:

Date Nights: Schedule regular date nights to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Rather than focusing on wedding planning, take time to focus on each other. You’ve earned it!
Share Your Journey: Share your wedding planning journey with friends and family. Their support and encouragement can enhance your experience and make it even more memorable.
Create Memories: Document your wedding planning process through photos, videos, or a journal. These memories will remind you of the journey you took together and the partnership you built along the way.

For many couples, planning your wedding is your first big joint venture. Why not use it as an opportunity to build a foundation for a strong, equal partnership? By embracing teamwork, communicating openly, making decisions together, supporting each other, maintaining a balanced perspective, and celebrating your achievements, you can navigate the planning process with ease and joy. Remember, the wedding is just the beginning – the skills and habits you develop during this time will serve you well throughout your marriage. So, from “I do” to “we did it,” let your wedding planning journey be a celebration of love, partnership, and a lifetime of happiness together. Happy planning!