Money, Matrimony, and Mayhem: How to Avoid Financial Facepalms

Congratulations!  You’ve said “yes” to a lifetime of love, laughter, and… financial decision making as a team. Yes, money might not be the most romantic topic, but it’s an essential one if you want your marriage to be as strong as your wedding hashtag.

Don’t let the words “budget” or “debt” send you running back to the cake tasting. Instead, embrace financial conversations as a way to build an even more solid foundation for your future together, think of it as growing your financial intimacy as this aspect of your relationship will be with you till the end (and then some).

Let’s face it—money talk can sometimes feel like navigating a minefield. But fear not, newly engaged duo! We’ve got the playbook for you to get on the same financial page and the secret weapon to avoiding fights? Is to start talking about money in small and big ways, not just the dollar amounts but the reason behind how you came up with that amount. 

As most of my clients kept asking me, “we don’t know where or how to start the conversation?” Let’s Talk Finances Conversation Cards Couple’s Edition idea was born with 50 questions and prompts that allow you in the comfort of your home, out on a drive, or on a financial date to talk. More on that soon, but first, let’s dig into how to make these conversations as smooth as your first dance.

Understanding Each Other’s Money Mindset

Before diving into spreadsheets and savings plans, take a step back and understand that you both come with your own financial baggage (and no, we’re not talking about those designer handbags you splurged on last year). Each of you has a unique money story, shaped by how you were raised, your life experiences, and that time you “invested” in GameStop stock.

Approach your partner with curiosity, not judgment. Ask questions like, “What was money like growing up for you?” or “What’s your biggest financial fear right now?” This is about getting on the same page, not winning a debate. By understanding each other’s money mindset, you’re setting the stage for discussions that are empathetic and productive.

Setting Ground Rules for Money Talks

You wouldn’t enter a boxing ring without some rules, right? The same goes for money conversations. Decide on some ground rules to keep things from getting too heated:

• Choose a Good Time and Place: Don’t start the “let’s talk finances” chat while one of you is hangry or binge-watching Netflix. Pick a calm moment where you can both focus.

• No Blame Game:If you’re talking about that credit card bill or who forgot to pay the internet again, keep it blame-free. This is a team effort, not a trial.

• Use Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking, “Why did you spend so much on takeout?” try, “What’s our plan for eating out this month?” This invites discussion instead of defensiveness.

Setting the right tone is key, and a little humor never hurts. After all, you’re in this together, and your bank accounts are just part of the story.

Starting Small: Easing Into Financial Conversations

Diving into money talks can be intimidating, so start small. Think of these first conversations as the shallow end of the pool. No need to cannonball into the deep end just yet.

Begin with Easy Questions: Kick things off with questions like, “What’s one financial goal you have for us this year?” or “What’s your dream vacation?” These are low-stakes, yet they’ll give you insights into each other’s priorities.

Stick to One Topic: Don’t try to solve all your financial woes in one sitting. Focus on one topic at a time, whether it’s budgeting for the wedding or figuring out how to merge bank accounts.

Let’s Talk Finances Conversation Cards can be a fun way to start, per my clients. They pull a card each night and discuss it over dinner or during a cozy evening in. It’s like a game, but the prize is a healthier financial future.

Tackling the Big Topics: Goals, Debt, and Credit

Now that you’ve dipped your toes in, it’s time to swim into deeper waters: financial goals, debt, and credit scores. These are the big-ticket items that need clarity and alignment.

Set Shared Goals: Whether you’re saving for a down payment on a house or planning a grand honeymoon, having shared goals will align your efforts. Start by listing out your short-term and long-term goals, then prioritize them together.

Talk About Debt: Let’s get real—debt can be a major stressor. Be open about what you each owe, whether it’s student loans, car payments, or that little shopping spree from last year. Transparency is key to tackling debt as a team.

Check Credit Scores: It might not sound sexy, but knowing each other’s credit scores is crucial. Your credit health will affect everything from your mortgage rate to those future kitchen renovations.

Budgeting: A Couple’s Guide

Budgeting is like building the blueprint for your financial house. It’s not just about cutting back on lattes; it’s about creating a spending plan that reflects your shared values and dreams.

Create a Joint Budget or Define Your Financial Yes Plan: Sit down and map out your income, expenses, and savings. Include everything from rent to that monthly subscription to the cheese of the month club. 

Know What to Say Yes and No to: There are plenty of apps out there designed for couples. Find one that suits your style and makes tracking your finances feel like less of a chore. Identify the things you want to say “hell yes” to and what is a “hell no” that will help you decide how to shift and prioritize your dollars. 

Make it Fun: Yes, budgeting can be fun! Make it a monthly date night with snacks, drinks, money themed playlist and a little budgeting competition. Whoever stays closest to their spending goals gets to pick the next date night activity.

Combining Finances: To Merge or Not to Merge?

The big question: should you merge your bank accounts or keep them separate? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but it’s important to discuss what feels right for both of you.

• Joint Accounts: Merging finances can simplify things, especially when it comes to paying bills or saving for a shared goal.

• Separate Accounts: Keeping things separate can maintain a sense of independence and avoid potential conflicts over spending habits in the short term, but could impact long term goals if your saving habits aren’t the same.

• Hybrid Approach: Many couples find a hybrid approach works best—joint accounts for shared expenses, and separate accounts for personal spending. This can be done 50/50 split or % of income. 

Remember, whatever you choose, it’s about what works for your relationship. There’s no wrong answer, just the one that fits you both  right now. As your life shifts and changes this can and should be revisited. 

Avoiding Financial Infidelity 

No, financial infidelity isn’t a secret savings account for surprise vacations. It’s when one partner hides financial information from the other, and it can be just as damaging as other forms of betrayal. The solution? Total transparency. Period.

• Be Open About Your Finances: Regularly update each other on your financial status, including big purchases or changes in income.

• Set Spending Limits: Agree on a limit for purchases ahead of time that don’t need to be discussed. This keeps surprises fun and not financially stressful. For some it might be $100 and others $500 or $1,000.

• Schedule Regular Check-Ins: Just like you schedule date nights, set up regular financial check-ins. This keeps the conversation going and ensures there are no hidden surprises.

Know When to Seek Help

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, financial conversations can hit a wall. Don’t hesitate to seek help from a financial therapist. They can offer guidance and strategies to help you navigate tough conversations.

And remember, you’ve got a secret weapon—those Let’s Talk Finances Conversation Cards. They’re designed to take the stress out of financial talks and turn them into opportunities for connection. Talking about money doesn’t have to be a once-in-a-blue-moon ordeal. The more regularly you discuss finances, the easier it becomes. Make it a routine, like Sunday brunch or those nightly scrolls through Instagram.

It’s not just about avoiding fights; it’s about creating a partnership where love and money coexist happily ever after.

Now, go ahead and schedule that first money date—your future selves will thank you!